Charcuterie Improv

I have a habit of giving myself too many tasks and then getting overwhelmed. I suggested a picnic outing to my friends, and then volunteered to bring a charcuterie platter.

                Why do I do this to myself?

                Fortunately for me, there is a Trader Joe’s down the street, and they are well equipped with cheese, deli items, and cute little snacks that look nice on a board. Or in this case, casserole dish.

                I have a few wooden boards, but we were going to a park. I decided a class casserole dish was the best option.

                I don’t like serving dishes with no rims. Sounds dangerous. Rogue grapes everywhere.

                Enough babbling.

                The Mission: Brave Trader Joe’s for charcuterie goodness on a Sunday morning.

Do I have a plan?

No.

But here are some basic rules to follow if you’re a first timer at Trader Joe’s.

Rule #1: Baskets are better than shopping carts at Trader Joe’s.

Rule #2: Use your elbows.

Rule #3: Just let the cashier talk at you. They’re not looking for conversation. They’re looking to fill the space. Let them do their job.

Rule #4: Make decisions fast. Don’t hesitate or Grassfed Hipster Beard and Organic Lulu Lemon will run you down with their carts.

                I walk in and quickly grab some fruit and vegetables: apples, grapes, and tiny cucumbers.

                Next, I shove my way toward the deli section. This area was harder to get through, but I managed to elbow a grandma out of the way and picked out goat cheese with honey, and a package of sliced provolone.

                Then I stepped slightly to the left and pulled a package of assorted salami’s out of the refrigerator.

                I swiped a baguette and a box of water crackers off a shelf and got out of that circus.  

                Finally, to the dried nuts and fruit section for the candied pecans (they are like crack), dried apricots, and dried cranberries.

                I made my way to the checkout, where the cashier proceeded to talk at me about how lovely the weather was in Los Angeles. No need to respond. They don’t want you to.

                When you get home, chop the produce and set aside.

                I didn’t know what I was doing but just started putting things on the platter in order of importance.

1.       Center your cheeses.

2.       Arrange deli meets around cheeses. I folded the salami in quarters and fanned them around the cheeses. Prosciutto always falls apart, so I resorted to wadding them up into balls around the salami.

3.       Arrange larger produce: I set apples on the ends, cucumbers along the sides, and grapes on the corners. You want it to be symmetrical. Or I want it to be symmetrical.

4.       Finally, fill in any spaces with dried fruit and nuts.

5.       Cover with cling film and refrigerate until you need it. I am not about that room temperature meat and cheese. Blegh.

I didn’t include the bread and crackers in the arrangement because it would be hours before it would get eaten, and I didn’t want the bread or crackers to get squishy with other textures.

This was a lot easier to do than I imagined it would be. I was overthinking it. The grandest charcuterie boards have so many elements, but I don’t think it needs to be complicated for it to be lovely. Especially when you’re just going out with friends. They just want snacks. They don’t care, haha!

My friends and I have agreed to have more picnics because we had such a good time sitting in the grass, watching everyone walk by with their dogs. It was so much fun!